My story of 'life after leaving'

Funkin’ February – surely it’s March by now!

5.  The Twat. The icing on the cake! He has again been prowling around, making a nuisance of himself. We can feel it in our bones as if we are still some way connected. He has been calling the police, the schools, social care. he wants our address. he’s not aloud our address. But it takes one gullible person to make a mistake and we are back in the nightmare once again. After taking some advice (from Woman’s aid) I have contacted the police. I’m afraid to say that, that alone has taken me a week. The idea of contacting the police with the expectation of them doing anything at all except turn up at our house unexpectedly, take statement, do nothing, and then as has happened in the past, believe his lies, fills me with dread! I know it’s different this time. We have a piece of paper with court order on it, stating ‘no direct contact’. But in the past I had a piece of paper with ‘non molestation order ‘ on it. Which banned him from making any contact with me. he did, the police investigated, then the CPS wouldn’t pursue. So before making contact this time I decided to read through the court bundle I have. This included paperwork from 7 or 8 years ago now. It also contains hundreds of ‘storm logs’ from the police. These are transcripts of all the action they have taken. Some of it I hadn’t really read before. It’s is all too depressing. But yesterday I did. I realised ‘inhindsite’ that we had been referred to the Domestic violence unit on at least 3 different occasions – however there was no follow up. It also shows other arrests for the twat (obviously no detail given) It shows ALL the allegations made about me and my family. It shows all the outcome (malicious allegations) It shows a call I made when he was violent – it states the call was cut off. It also states that they called back and spoke to the twat who stated that there wasn’t a problem. It shows that they then asked me if I was ok. I said I was – he was standing over me, what else could I say? Its recorded as NFA. It shows CAFCASS reports (the body who work with the family court to ascertain the wishes and feeling of the child) where all my children describe domestic abuse. it shows police referrals due to ‘escalation’ of domestic abuse. But it doesn’t show ANY support! Nothing! I didn’t know we had been referred, I didn’t know there was help out there. I was alone. I didn’t know anyone, as far as I was aware, who had gone through anything similar. I wasn’t advised to press charges – I wasn’t advised at all. I remember long conversation with police officers, saying to me that everything was so hard to prove, and that CPS will only prosecute if a conviction is likely. By the Twat is a compulsive liar, he lives in a parallel world where he is I the right, all the time and without fail. I even read a statement claiming that I had been violent towards him and my children. It has made my blood boil. That no one put together the pieces, that no one explained anything, that we were left to fight a controlling and abusive man who had the system on his side because I didn’t know what I could report. And due to that it has ended with all of us in therapy,20K worse off and him STILL trying to find us! Can no one see the inevitability of the outcome? I can. And it scares the shit out of me! Nothing is cross referenced, no patterns are seen. This is how people die, or get beaten, or have their children abused. Because nobody sees the pattern. So instead of calling 101, I have emailed a DCI – including every crime reference number I have (there are a lot). I have asked him what to do. I wonder if I will get a reply – we shall see!

6.To end on a positive note my babies are doing brilliantly! To try and take something good from our chequered past can be hard BUT I do believe that we are stronger for it. We are more knowledgeable, more worldly wise and more aware. We are more empathetic and open to the needs of others. We are strong. Despite our various mental health and physical illnesses, we are living a good life (admittedly cold and with dodgy coloured hair) but we are living. Tabitha has stormed through the UCAS application process and after having a horrendous few years of anxiety depression and school has managed to secure an unconditional offer to Uni! Go Girl – she nailed the interview outstandingly and I am so proud of her. Angel is continuing her long road to recovery and is taking small steps back into a teenage type social life (although I’m pretty sure that I’m still her best friend)! And Tom is becoming a bigger little man! He spends his spare time playing outdoors with his friends, skateboarding and generally having fun! he seems to be becoming unusually attached to extremely expensive shoes – but if that’s his only vice at the moment I’m happy to oblige! he did have a scare whilst out playing – he though he saw his father. He was scared and he cried and hid with his friends, but he managed it, without me, which is a massive achievement for my little big man!


Funkin’ February Part 3 and 4

3. Horrendous Hair! If I can manage the technology, then I shall post the nightmare that became my hair last week. I have been brave and have tried to embrace my aging self. I also have psoriasis that does not like hair products. So, after much contemplating I took the plunge and topped dying my hair. I then plunged again by having it all cut short! So about the last inch and a half of my hair remained blond while the rest was a mixture of grey and white tabby. The problem with old blonde hair is that it tends to become ‘brassy’. Previously I have combatted this with a purple shampoo that doesn’t stay purple but simply blends away the brass and makes the white silver (which allegedly is ‘on point’ at the mo.). Unfortunately, I didn’t check the tube of purple well enough and unfortunately applied strong purple pigment to my tabby brassy hair! The purple pigment was a left over from Angels’ purple summer hair and is definitely not subtle. So to my horror when I stepped out of the shower expected a subtle blended effect I saw deep purple! and patchy deep purple at that. Ignoring the psoriasis, I repeatedly washed my purple ponce with washing up liquid (said google). To no avail! So I had to send the lovely Mr M to Boots to take advice – he returned with a box of colour remover which I duly applied – twice. this ended in pale blue hair (in places). So after many washes, a few days of wearing a hat and a sore scalp I died it brown. Its brown, all over with no grey (much to the relief of Mr M I have to say!)

4. Bloody Boiler. The boiler is dead, it is no more, there is nothing to be done. We have no hot water or heating. We do however have a big wood burner, a fan heater and electric showers and a dishwasher that works so not all is lost! It’s an oil fired boiler and I’ve just been researching them. Bloody expensive is the answer. I’ll leave it there as its too painful to talk about right now.


Funkin’ February! Parts 1 and 2

OK its February – I’ve just read a blog about feeling the February ‘funk’. Not as rhythmic as you might believe. The ‘funk’ is the equivalent of my ‘ffs’! And I state now FFS February – give me a break!

It’s been a mixture of things really so I shall take each one separately. There have also bee a few so I shall post them separately!

1: Humira (the immune suppressant that I am currently taking to combat my arthritis) Is it working? Is it too soon to tell? My arthritis is no better. In fact, I’d say its worsened! But hang on – it IS working. I know this, not because of any improvement of my symptoms, but because I now have shingles! Shingles (or Shwimbles as they’re known in our household) is a common side effect of immune suppressant drugs. Of course it is! So after a visit to my ever patient Dr. I am now on re drugs – anti virals! 5 a Day. And if that wasn’t enough when I was describing my current symptoms she also suggested a colonoscopy. ‘Have you ever had a colonoscopy?’ she asked. ‘No – it’s not something you would forget is it!’ So rather than jump in immediately to invasive procedures she has given me another prescription to see if this helped the other symptoms I am currently having! Unfortunately, I have been on so many drugs for so long that I really can’t tell what is a drug related side effect, what is me or what is arthritis. I really do wonder if I would be better to cold turkey the lot and start again. So Humira is new and it has triggered 3 new prescriptions! Go Humira

2: Dastardly Dishwasher! We were at panic stations last week as the dishwasher stopped. I did my best DIY engineering skills – which reached the heady heights of removing the water inlet pipe, taking it apart and putting it back on. This didn’t work. And after stating avidly that we didn’t really need a dishwasher, the family went into panic mode – so the engineer was called who did a similar thing to me – and it worked! £40 well spent I feel – something I can simply no longer live with. And extremely lucky that is was fixable due to the third Funkin February disaster!



Primary Progress, Floor Standards & Coasting…

Two videos to explain the changes to progress measures, floor standards and the new coasting standard.

Source: Primary Progress, Floor Standards & Coasting…

Memory and missed appointments

Is my subconcious determining my memory?

Today I had two things to do – have my blood taken and inject my humira.
I put a reminder on the phone and an alarm. We have a calendar and a big chalk board by the front door where everything is put for the week.

So what did I do this morning? I did some gardening (probably going to wipe me out tomorrow but it’s a lovely day!) I remembered to pick up Angel as she’s on a part time timetable. Have just injected my Humira – not my favourite thing to do but necessary- and almost forgot.  Then I received a text from the Doctors stating that I had missed my appointment – again 😡

I’m not sure what else I could have done to remind myself so WHY DID I FORGET? Does the power of my sub conscious manage to make me forget things? Was the gardening an avoidance tactic – if it was then it worked !!

Answers in the comments please – I need help!

Another methotrexate monday

I apologise in advance for any typos or rediculousness that I manage to type. If you know me, you will realise that typos are as much a part of me as my stretch marks so really its an excuse.. I am also sorry for the rambling today – I am actually fulfilling the title of the blog, however it may not make much sense to anyone but me. It’s late and I’m tired and I can’t sleep and I feel sick.. so here goes !

That rubbish above is a prime example of how I’ve been feeling today.. weird and tired and confused and pissed off!! Oh and sick (always). It the sadness that’s the worse – like a drowning feeling. I’ve been depressed (hardly surprising) so I recognise that feeling. Like wading through mud with a headache in the fog. In slow motion. Where there is no horizon. Going nowhere. Slowly..

Do you get the picture?

The weird tired and confused (more than normal) could be due to methotrexate. . Or due to the concoction of drugs in my system. The methotrexate could just be the final straw perhaps. If I’m honest the weird tired confused feeling is actually ok ! If I don’t have anything else to do that is.

Hhmm. .. a world in which I have nothing to do… I wonder, nope it’s rubbish, it doesn’t exist!!

But the nagging feeling of hopelessness, is that the drugs? Or is that exhaustion?

So, I digress.

My plan was when I embarked on the biological drugs that I would look after myself,  for the first few months at least. To try and control the side effects (especially the ‘sudden death’ one!) I’ve cut down on alcohol and I’ve stopped eating processed food – I’m eating less rubbish and more fruit. I’ve even cut down on caffeine!
I planned the methotrexate hangover to coincide with a day without school runs. As I’m writing this I’m actually laughing! No school runs? Oh yes that will solve everything! Idiot that I am. There are always school runs and today a CAMHS run then a school run and the a doctor’s for me!

My doctor is fabulous – she’s another professional that has helped save my family. She listens and thinks and questions and believes. She even noticed my new haircut !! It was just a check up, a prescription update  and a request for some Omexropol as drinking a bottle of Gaviscon a week must be full of calories!

So I asked and she questioned and frowned and then poked and prodded and frowned again.
Try this (Omexropol) for a month and then come back to see me. And when you next have blood taken (Thursday fun!) I want to check for x and y and z.

X and y and z was the point that I switched off. Seriously! There can’t be anything else wrong!

I suppose it’s my own fault for seeing a doctor on a methotrexate hangover day and asking for even more drugs ! Something about a stomach infection I think she mentioned.

So to avoid getting anymore iller I am avoiding the doctor for as long as I can!!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A doctor too often can kill you !

Congratulations CAMHS!

I never imagined or pictured much of what my life has entailed. Who would picture being in an abusive relationship who would picture two divorces? Who would picture sitting in therapy with each child listening to their heartbreak and wondering why you let it happen?

It’s a funny old world!

All of my children have treatment from Educational Psychologists – two through CAMHS (child and adult mental health service) and one through the CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) paediatric service. We even have family therapy with CAMHS!  Thank you to the NHS 💖

We have just been discharged from family therapy, we only went a few times but it taught us how to talk – especially the adults in the family ! It also gave us confidence to know that we are ok and actually doing really well with all that life has thrown at us ! As parents we constantly doubt our ability to be good at what we do – what a gift to actually be told it’s all good!

After what my son refers to as ‘the taking’ (his dad took him and wouldn’t return him) he became extremely anxious. He wouldn’t go to school, he couldn’t  sleep, he had extreme separation anxiety from me, he invented ever more complicated rituals to keep himself safe, he had to sleep facing the door,he couldn’t stand on cracks in the floor, there were numbers of steps he took.. the list was long!

Then there were flashbacks. He has never been able to recall what actually happened during the time he was away – he thought he was away for a month and he wanted to cone home but that’s all he can describe. He has talked with great anger about the police who visited (safeguarding checks) saying that they only asked him whats on TV not did he want to come come home, and they were always with his dad. He talked about feeling like a mouse and his dad was the cat pouncing on him. His flashbacks were severe. He might be sitting in the school hall during assembly and suddenly all the teachers would look like his dad. He was see his dad when we were out or in the car and he would freeze.

He was also hypervigilent. His bedtime routine became more and more complex – he would check under his bed, he would check in the cupboards, he would check all the other bedrooms, he wouldn’t close his eyes as he had to check through the keyhole in his door, he had to face the door to see it..

He was triggered by places – we couldn’t go anywhere where he had been with his dad. It was a compacted and frightening world for him.

During this time we were in court. I was in breach of the contact order as my son refused to see his father. You would think it would be simple! It wasn’t. 

The family court works well when situations are transparent. When both parents have the best interest of their child at the heart of it. They may not be able to manage their emotions towards each other but they do want what’s best for the child.
The family court doesn’t work well when a parent lies. When a parent actually wants contact with their child because they want control over their ex. It doesn’t work when there has been emotional and psychological abuse. But that is for another blog!!

So I was in breach. I was breaking the law! Rhe court ordered CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory Support Service) to write yet another report. To do this they need to interview the parents and child. This caused my son’s PTSD symptoms to really become severe! He asked if they woukd tell his sad what he had said ti them, he was told yes, so he lied!
It was at this point I realised that we needed help.

I didn’t think at this point that we would be eligible for CAMHS. My experience as a teacher had told me that it was notoriously difficult to be referred and the wait was months.  I guess I was still in denial as to how bad our situatiin had been,and as always I thought I cpukd make it better in my own. My son was now missing school due to his symptoms, I had to do something. So we found a private Educational Pychologist  and enlisted her help.
She was wonderful. There were no judgements just understanding and a lot of questions and history. She met with my son and my daughter and assessed both their needs – she diognosed PTSD for my son and anxiety and depression for my daughter. However even more importantly than the diognosis was that she was positive that they could get better and get their lives back! It would take a while but we were on the right journey. She saw my son for a year and he made good progress but it was slow. Eventually the school and his GP referred both my son and daughter to CAMHS . We would all say that money is no object when it comes to our children but money can run out, and it did – especially with a protracted court case at £1000 per day and Ed Pych bills of £70 an hour. They were both on a long journey so CAMHS was the right next step.

So, another year has passed. His initial aims were

To feel normal and not scared
To be able to leave mum without being scared
To be able to go to school with being worried
To have a sleepover at a friends house.

He managed the last in the last last week!!

CAMHS have given him is freedom and independence back. They have developed his ability to manage and recognise his symptoms. They have given him the self confidence to try things that he would otherwise avoid. The have given him his childhood – and his future teenage years!!

My eldest daughter is now an adult so the service has changed BUT she still gets support. She has had severe anxiety and low self esteem. However she has now been accepted on 5 University courses and is so excited about next year – she has got back her sparkle and her confidence. She’s not ‘cured’ but she’s well in her way.

We are at the beginning of the CFS support but already it has empowered my daughter. She now understands that it’s perfectly ok to feel annoyed and frustrated and it’s given her some control over how she approaches her illness. It is supporting her on her own journey too.

I love CAMHS and the Paediatric service.  They really do change lives. We will never forget the support we have had and I hope to god that they are still around to support those coming after us. We wouldn’t have made it without them – not a chance.  So thank you for those amazing people who chose to to set their lives giving futures to children who have had their world torn apart but the adults around them.

I’m Bill !

Take a look at @luvblackroses’s Tweet:

Humira and methotrexate mix up!

Sometimes it’s difficult to know if the illness or the drugs are causing this illessss feeling. It really is !
I have been diognosed with CFS/ME and PsA (psoriatic arthritis). My first real drug was codeine phosphate followed swiftly by Gapapentin.  When the codeine didn’t work this changed to Tramadol.
For about a year (prior to the PsA Diognosis) I was pretty much incapacitated ! I couldn’t drive, could think, couldn’t remember. Couldn’t  follow recipes,  couldn’t have a social life,  lost my job ! All these symptoms are associated with CFS/ME but they are also side effects of the medication !
With the PsA Diognosis I was able to reduce the Gabapentin and codeine  (I stopped taking Tramadol as although I was pain free I could actually do anything !) .
For PsA I’ve been prescribed Methotrexate and Sulphalazine and now Humira!
So, so far I have taken one dose of Humira (last Thursday) and Methotrexate on Monday. I am avoiding codeine but taking a small dose of Gabapentin tin and a full dose of paracetamol.
The outcome so far..
I feel like I’ve literally drunk a bottle of vodka – that alcohol saturated feeling of the morning after the night before. I hurt – my skin and my eyes, and my jaw. All my muscles ache. I have no energy and an increasingly bad headache. My joints are fine though!
So is this Arthritis ? ( it can cause everything you could ever imagine! Including hair loss and heart failure) or is it the poisonous medication ? If it’s the medication it should improve BUT if it’s the PsA it should improve too …. mind non of it seems to cause appalling typos – that’s just me 😉

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