I have seen many therapists and counsellors (as have my children!) and as yet it I haven’t healed.
I have listened to wonderful and sensitive Psychologists work with my children session after session. Never pushing or probing, always quiet and attentive, always remembering and always positive. My children, my poor damaged children, have grown into independent and strong, empathetic and understanding young adults and teenagers. My pride and love for them is limitless. But hearing their stories has shattered me, listening to their descriptions of the abuse I thought I’d protected them from has been heartbreaking. This has continued in relentless repetition with each one of them. And all along the way I listen, I hear and I feel helpless.
Guilt isn’t a big enough feeling. I know that every mother who has lived through Domestic Violence feels the same as I do. The horror of the memories are repeated as different stories by each different child, family member or friend- with the common theme of my central role. The past follows me and haunts me. There is no fresh start. He wont allow it. He is at the fringes of my reality – forever trying to find us.
But I digress… Why here? and Why now?
I cant seem to heal. I am strong and extremely resilient. I can say this with pride as I am still here and still living and loving so it must be true! I am writing this now as I need to get it out. Out of my mind, to find the words to make sense of it all.
I’ve tried to put my life in perspective. I remember a counsellor once saying to me after I had briefly describe my story so far ‘Bloody hell – I don’t know what to say’ – it didn’t fill me with too much confidence, but actually is the reaction I’ve become used too.
I’ve tried reading the Bible – to find answers (I’m still pursuing that one – it does go on somewhat!). I’ve read endlessly stories of great tragedies and loss. These have been blogs and books (The C word comes to mind), about illness and death, personal tragedies as well as genocide during WW2. My reading list – for any of you who also suffer from Insomnia follows – its chronological which probably illustrates my mind set! My gift to all of you xx.